


A series of non-events.

by SaveOurSandwiches



Category: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Drabble, Fluff, Fruitcake, I Don't Even Know, Lizards, Overthinking, Post-Canon, Seriously Overthinking, no real plot, nothing really happens, shippy if you want it to be
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-28 11:04:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15705951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaveOurSandwiches/pseuds/SaveOurSandwiches
Summary: It was done. Calamity Ganon was felled. All that remained was to pick up the pieces. The first step was to establish the state of the world, which would of course be a much needed form of respite after both their battles. An ordeal that should have paled in comparison to her century long battle with the foul beast. That being the case... what in the world was her knight doing running around chasing lizards?In which the princess notices the more peculiar behaviors her knight has picked up, they both overthink things and neither of them are quite sure where they go from here.





	1. The hero, the princess and the lizards

It was likely, almost inevitable, that the princess would want to visit Death Mountain at some point. They hadn’t planned much of anything yet, but it would happen at some point. He’d used all his lizards already, butterflies were a pain to catch and buying the elixirs was expensive. To that end, he'd need to prepare a lot of fire-proof elixirs. So he set to work gathering fireproof lizards. He didn't tell his princess that was his plan.

She watched on from their makeshift campsite, as her sworn knight, hero of Hyrule defeater of Calamity Ganon, ran about in the rain picking up rocks and chasing after anything that moved in the grass.

They had both been rather shocked when a Korok had shown up, but he continued... whatever it was he was doing soon after.

It was... rather difficult to know what was on his mind sometimes.

Once the rain let up, he packed up their camp and they moved on, no particular goal in mind but to follow the road. He didn’t offer her an explanation, and she was so caught up wondering what exactly he was doing to ask him for one. She passed time looking through the compendium pages he had filled while he watched the roadside for wither threats or whatever he was searching for before.

He had a lot in his pack and seemed quite intent on filling it with even more. He’d pick up anything and everything and pack it away and it never seemed to fill. So many apples, herbs and miscellaneous pieces of monsters. She hoped they weren’t stored together, however that pack worked. Yet he still seemed to be looking for something. How he didn’t have what he was looking for after all that seemed impossible. As time went on and he hadn’t found the object of his desires his mood seemed to dip more and more.

What was he going to do if he didn’t find those lizards? Go ahead and buy elixirs? He should save where he could, maybe he could cook what he did manage to find and buy elixirs with the profits? Maybe Beedle would have lizards. Maybe he could borrow the slate and use the search function. No, he never got a chance to capture a picture of any lizard species, they moved too fast. The princess was looking at him. Oh no. Had she said something? He should probably just agree. But what if it was something dangerous?

“Hello? Link? You’ve been staring at your pack for two minutes now, is something amiss? Have you dropped something?”

Autopilot took over and answered for him.

“Yes.”

“Yes… to which, exactly?”

“Uhh, yes? Umm both, no uhh, neither? I’m alright, how are you?”

He forgot the question halfway through. What was he meant to be doing?

“I’m fine. You seemed... off somehow. Are you looking for something?”

“Lizards.”

“... Lizards.”

“Lizards.”

“...Might I enquire as to why you are frantically looking for lizards?”

As if it was the most obvious thing in the world he told her;

“Butterflies are too fast.”

What.

“Butterflies are too fast, so therefore you are searching for lizards?”

“Y-yes...?”

Why did he sound confused at this? Her knight had difficulty catching butterflies so elected to chase lizards instead? What was that meant to mean?

“Why on Earth do you need lizards?”

“Elixirs.”

“Oh.”

Yes, that made sense. Lizards were used to make elixirs, as were butterflies. If lizards were easier to catch it made good reason to try to find them.

So he continued to look for lizards. There weren’t any in the compendium, she tried to take pictures as they ran out from the rocks and grass he disturbed but they were just too fast.

By the time they made camp for the day he had managed to catch 7 lizards. For whatever reason though, he didn’t seem satisfied.

“Did you need more?”

The question seemed unexpected to him.

“More?”

“Lizards. Did you not catch enough lizards?”

“Oh. No. Well, yes, but no, not really. Wrong kind.”

“Oh. That’s a shame. What kind of elixirs were you planning on making?”

“Fireproof elixir. For Death Mountain. Eventually. Nice to have.”

They would be nice to have. It was a shame he didn’t find the right lizards. The right ones were... Fireproof Lizards. Oh. They lived in warmer places. Like on Death Mountain. He’d spent most of the day looking in the wrong place and finding the wrong lizards. Should she tell him?

He muttered to himself;

“Fireproof... these aren’t... they don’t live here.”  

He let his head hand in self-inflicted shame. The hero of Hyrule, defeated by lizards halfway across the continent.


	2. Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which deciding on dinner is difficult.

They were camped in the ruins of a collapsed barracks. A tarp hung over the top, held in place with rocks and rope. Dwellings not fit for a princess, but she didn't mind. What she did mind, was how much rummaging her knight was doing in his bags to find ingredients for dinner. Beside him, in a pile of... stuff she hoped weren't going into the pot were; 7 apples, 3 fast footed frogs (if that was revenge the grudge had lasted a long time), 8 pimps of wood, 3 keese eyes and no less than 26 bobokin horns.

She grimaced. He huffed. He stuffed it all back into the bag, save one pimp and placed it under the pot. He then produced a flameblade and lit the wood under the pot.

...Ah. None of it was meant for cooking. He just couldn't find any flint. What a handy substitute a magic fire sword made. He seemed to ponder the contents of his physics-defying pack for a moment. He looked back and forth between the bag and herself a few times. Watching him was both fascinating and confusing. Wondering just what he could be thinking of in that brilliant, if quiet, mind that had overcome sheikah trials and defeated ancient robotic contraptions with practiced precision-

..."Dinner?"

So faint his speaking was and so caught up in her own thoughts she hardly noticed him speak.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

"Dinner, anything you'd like... or wouldn't like?"

Oh. Right. Dinner. Of course that's what he was considering. He'd just lit the fire under a pot. She knew dinner was happening. It was late. He was probably thinking what she'd like. Right. How remiss of her. Of course that's what it was. He fidgeted a little. Moving his hands on the edges of his bag. An answer. Right he needed an answer. Food hadn't been a consideration for very long. What did she want?

The princess seemed a little out of it. Whatever sealing calamity Ganon for 100 years entailed probably hadn’t been easy on her. Was this overwhelming? Everything was confusing when he woke up. Was he meant to know what she liked and didn't like? Aside from fruitcake he didn't really know, and fruitcake wasn't dinner, though she probably deserved it fruitcake for every meal forever if she wanted it. He should have made a fruitcake or six before rescuing her. She hadn’t spoken yet. That was worrying. She usually did a lot of that. Not that he minded. He liked to listen.

His voice surprised her once again.

"...Are you okay?"

"Oh, OH! Y-yes yes, I'm quite alright. I was just, well, that would be to say... umm... wondering... what exactly was available?"

Ah. She didn't even know what he had in his packs. Sometimes even HE didn't know what he might find in there. He tended to pick up just about everything he could. Right... so he should tell her about the actual edibles… Taking a moment to consider what was suitable and what was not, he began to list them.

Good. That was a good answer. It was true. To an extent. She was thinking about what she could have. A list might be nice. She could choose from a list.

"... Meat, vegetables, herbs, peppers…"

Oh Hylia, he was listing his ingredients. How much had she missed? He'd stopped talking. Oh no, he needed an answer.

"Oh, well... chefs' choice I suppose. Whatever you'd like."

Another good answer. A safe answer. He looked back to his pack. Pondering something again in deep concentration. After a moment he gave the only answer he had.

"...I like everything."

 "Ah, yes. I suppose you do."

She looked like she was trying to hiccup. He was concerned, at least for the few seconds that went on until she started laughing rather loudly. Now he was just confused. Had he said something wrong or weird? Breeched an etiquette he couldn't remember? She tried speaking, though through her laughter couldn’t quite manage, giggling through her words. She slowly came off it and let out a slightly shaking breath as a few more chortles escaped.

"I'm sorry, it's just," she wiped some tears away from the corners of her eyes, “it’s just all so... normal? Mundane, even? Between us we've just defeated an entity that kept the land terrorized for a hundred years, and I can't decide what I want for dinner! It's just... all very silly. I'm sorry."

He smiled and shook his head. He did smile nicely.

"It's okay. I- I understand. Everything might be too much."

She laughed again. That was a nice sound.

"I think... I might be able to make... a fruit cake."

She perked up at that. He sat slightly straighter and her eyes seemed to light up a little, before she deflated just a bit.

"Fruitcake... for dinner..."

The first dinner she's going to have for 100 years and he suggests fruitcake? He was an idiot. What a stupid idea. Should have just said meat and vegetables. That was a normal dinner. She started speaking again.

"I suppose... I am quite fond of fruitcake... but it's hardly something one eats for dinner... though I DO like fruitcake..."

He hadn’t messed up. She did want fruitcake. She was just having a semi-internal debate about whether or not it would be proper. Hogwash. She was a princess. THE princess. Princesses were meant to do things like east cake, weren't they? His own voice surprised him.

"A princess should be able to have cake whenever she wants."

Hylia dammit, he wasn't meant to say that.

"Ah-umm... well... I-I have the ingredients... a-and you like fruitcake and... uhh.."

Very articulate, hero of Hyrule. Perfect diction, 100 spirit orbs to the hero. He couldn't look at her. Holy heck, what an absurd thing to say. That was probably a breach of etiquette, right? There was no way it couldn't be. Encouraging the eating of cake for dinner. That was against... rules? Social norms? Thigs that were important to royalty. Wait. If she claimed her throne could she make the rules? Oh sweet Hylia, what if she became so enamored with the idea that she made the eating of cake for dinner some sort of royal decree? He would have encouraged it. How could he keep her safe form cake? It was irresistible, after all.

"..nk?"

He'd doomed Hylia. Everywhere, everyone would be having cake for dinner every day. The novelty would quickly go stale. People would be lost to the wilderness gathering fruits and berries to satiate the growing need for fruitcake. He'd saved Hylia, only to set it down the path of destruction once again over a foe nobody could best. Was he overthinking this? No, he knew well of the princesses' determination. If she wanted everyone to have cake for dinner, they shall eat cake.

"LINK!"

He jumped and looked around, reaching for his sword. There was nothing trying to kill them. Confused, he looked back to the princess. She had the concerned face on. Oh no.

"Good graces, I thought you'd never answer! Are you alright?"

He clammed up. He couldn't remember how to talk. All he'd done was offer to make cake and he's thought he'd doomed Hylia. How ridiculous. No one must ever know. He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded.

"O...kay. Well. Usually, I wouldn't condone the eating of cake for dinner... but..."

Oh no. The cake-pocalypse was upon them. Hide the fruit, shelter the wheat.

"Seeing as how we've just saved Hylia I believe we deserve a treat... even if you'll have to make, just this once. We won't be making a habit of it mind!"

Oh. Okay. That was his plan initially. Crisis averted. The world was not going to end in delicious smothering of frosting.

"... I'll make the cake."

He did make the cake. It was good. It didn't end the world. But it made hers.


	3. Dubious mushroom skewers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hero faces a trial unlike any he has seen before.

The visage of Calamity Ganon loomed over him. The mountainous malice that plagued the land he'd loved and learned to love again was now the only thing that stood between him and the princess. The master torch glowed in his hand, the eternal blue flame of the sheikah glowing as it prepared to face his fearsome foe. He could do it. He would save Hyrule!

"FOOLISH HERO! YOU SHALL NOT DEFEAT ME! YOUR OWN TOOLS BECAME MY MY MERE MINIONS AND BESTED YOU ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO! WHAT CHANCE HAVE YOU AGAINST MY POWER!? YOU SHALL FAIL, TIME AND TIME AGAIN!"

"No! That is where you are wrong, Cheesy-baked Gammon! Justice shall prevail! I shall win this day! Fear not, Princess Kohga! You shall be free soon!"

Kohga looked down at them both, for he was suspended high above them in teetering cage. Below him lay a pool of malice. With it in place, no doubt princess Kohga would fall to his doom. Link knew he would need to take care of the great foe that was Cheesy-baked Gammon before attempting a rescue.

“You must save me! Wretched hero!”

Link held his master torch aloft, the light growing as did his resolve.

"YOU DARE BRING LIGHT INTO MY LAIR!? HAVE SOME PIE!"

Cheesy-baked Gammon threw the pie at Link with such force that there was no time for him to react. Suddenly, at inhuman speed, for he was not human, Prince Sidon leapt in front of Link and shattered the dangerous pie with a single strike from his mighty Hylian bass, a true treasure of the Zora people.

Sidon flexed and grinned at link.

"Link! You are awesome! That pie was not awesome! I have defeated the not-awesome and therefore I too, am awesome!"

Sidon was right. He was awesome. Both of them were.

The new generation of champions gathered around him, they would fight together.

Sidon, of the Zora, champion of Vah Ruta.

Kass of the Rito, champion of Vah-roraborealis

Patricia of the Sand Seals, champion of the Titanic Hydromelon.

Hestu of the Koroks, champion of the Deku tree.

And Zelda of the Hylians, champion of the master cycle zero.

The channelled their power into the master torch, the glow growing as their power amassed.

Using Patricia’s sage advice, Kass was able to play a song that drew power not just on the awesomeness of Sidon, but how awesome he thought everything else was. This song, such was its power, that Hestu was able to dance a dance so mighty that it gave unbelievable inspiration to those around him, all the while Zelda looked really, really cool on the cycle.

"HEY! YOU FOOLS! LISTEN! SHOULD YOU STRIKE ME DOWN YOU WILL MEET WITH A MOST TERRIBLE FATE!"

His words did nothing. The heroes had their resolve. They would defeat their enemy. Princess Kohga would wait no longer.

Their power formed the bough of light and this mighty branch became the new base for the master torch and its light grew and grew, all the while Cheesy-baked Gammon melted against the mighty heat.

As he was melting, he cried out,

"YOU'VE KILLED ME!"

To which Zelda replied, "Good!"

They had won the day, Princess Kohga was safe.

Or so they thought.

A targeting laser pointed at Link. The beam fired so rapidly he barely had time to dodge.

_"Great fairies draw their power from rupees.”_

The voice echoed around them, they could not pin-point its source, lasers targeted and fired at them from the surroundings, too fast to find the one launching them.

_"How many rupees have passed through my hands?"_

Fire climbed the surrounding flags. The smoke was suffocating. The castle which was barely standing already was crumbling more and more. The loss of the malice and cheese of Cheesy-baked Gammon which had been acting to hold the palace in place was a now a bane. Without their commander, the piles of hot-cheese were indiscriminately melting all they touched, creating hard-ruins fondue. 

_"A lifetime of wealth. And another. And another. How many lifetimes have I spent, gathering what YOU spent?"_

A figure rose before them. Larger, more fearsome than Gammon had ever been.

_"I will always find you."_

The targeting laser firm to Links chest.

_"As you have always found me."_

The beam was blinking slower, it would probably fire soon, but everyone was frozen.

_"I told you, didn't I?"_

Originating from their new foes nose, slowly blinking in unison, the beam came to a steady halt, right over the heart of the hero.

_"We were married in a past life."_

The beam fired. He couldn't move. Nobody could. It would hit. He would fail to protect Princess Kohga again. As the beam hit, he had but one thought floating in his mind,

_"How would that pie have tasted?"_

He would never know.

He woke so violently and loudly it also woke the princess. Zelda this time, not Kohga.

Concern rushed forth from her as she wondered what could have caused her knight to wake with such a start. A nearby enemy? A nightmare? She moved the remains of her hard-cooked dinner, copious mushrooms skewers with hot-footed frog, to sit beside him.

He took a few deep breaths before looking to her.

"No more..."

It was a nightmare. It had to be. He'd had a nightmare. It was understandable, they both had them in the wake of their battles.

"Link... it is okay. You are alright. We are both alright. There's nothing here to..."

He continued,

"No more unsupervised cooking."

He promptly fell back on his side and went back to a hopefully more peaceful sleep, leaving the princess baffled and slightly insulted.

"... I thought they turned out rather well."


End file.
